Where We Should Be
by Belial
Summary: Buffy arrives in LA sooner for the events of 'Five by Five' and 'Sanctuary'. B/F.


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Where We Should Be

Summary: Buffy makes it to LA sooner for the events in 'Five by Five' and 'Sanctuary'.

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Author's note: First B/F fic I've ever written, so go easy on me.

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I don't know what it was that made me come to LA. I told myself it was because Angel could be in danger, but I know that's just a cover. Angel's in danger every day, just like me. It comes with the job.

But this time, I just had to go. It's hard to be honest about it, even to myself, but I know I'm going for her, not him. The only problem is, I don't know exactly what I'm going _for._

A part of me wants vengeance, and I think I have a right to that, after what she did to me. But I know that's not all of it. When I was her, I could see for the first time what her life was really like. Somehow, I'd convinced myself that her life was almost exactly like mine, and it was something inherent in who she was that made her turn against me.

But now I know that's not the truth.

She didn't have anyone. I thought I had experienced loneliness, but it was nothing like what she must have felt. I had friends, family that loved me, and even if they couldn't really understand what I felt about my calling, they were always there for me.

She didn't have that. And when I was forced to live her life, I realised just how lucky I was to have so many good people around me. People who actually cared about me, worried about me, loved me.

When I finally realised the extent to which she had nothing like that, I couldn't help but feel guilty. I knew it wasn't my fault that I had things in my life that she didn't, but I wondered that if I'd known how alone she was earlier, I would have tried harder to get close to her, give her someone she could rely on, someone who cared about her.

Now, it was probably too late.

I hadn't been able to reach out to her in time, and she'd done the only thing she thought she could. She'd gone where she felt she would be accepted, maybe even loved. She'd fallen, and fallen hard.

Even after her betrayal, I couldn't hate her. Okay, so I was pretty pissed off when she tried to torture me, but all I could feel was a pain in my heart that I hadn't realised how much she was hurting.

When she tried to kill Angel, I lost it. If her blood could save him, then he would have it. She had betrayed her calling, and hurt the people I loved the most. In my mind at that moment, she had lost any right she once had to live in my world.

When I almost killed her, I realised just how wrong I was. I could finally feel just what it was she must have felt when she accidentally killed the deputy mayor. I thought I had understood before, but what I felt then was nothing compared to what I felt when that knife slid into her. Before, it hadn't been my hand that dealt the killing blow.

If it hadn't been for the severity of the situation, I don't think I would have been able to deal with what I did. Even with the ascension coming, I think I lost part of myself. When I decided to save Angel, I think a part of me was hoping he'd kill me.

Sharing a dream with her helped me more than I realised at the time. Not just for the info on the mayor, but just being able to feel like she didn't blame everything on me gave me a little peace. I thought that maybe, when she woke up, we'd be able to work everything out.

But she was more pissed at me than I thought. Once again, I'd missed the pain that was inside her.

So she stole my life from me.

To be fair, I don't think she was in complete control. She remembered what she wanted, and set out to get it in the only way she knew how. It tears me apart to realise that what she wanted more than anything in the world was what she felt nobody would ever give her.

But once again, in trying to get what she wanted, she managed to hurt me. I thought I could help her, but she wasn't ready to accept it.

Now, I'm not sure I'm willing to offer it any more.

She's crossed a line. She'd hurt me so much that I'm not sure I can take it any more. I can't have her out there, and me wondering if she's ever going to come back to make my life a living hell.

When Giles told me she had tried to kill Angel in LA, I simply dropped everything and took off. I wasn't going to let her hurt him. She'd almost succeeded in killing him once, and I wondered what it was that made her hate me so much that she would attack me through the people I cared about.

When I arrived, I went straight to Angel's office. There wasn't anybody there, but it wasn't hard to get in. On Cordy's desk was a map of the city with red markings all over it, and an address scrawled on a piece of paper. Taking a chance, I assumed that was where I would find Faith.

It didn't take me long to get there. So there I was, crouched on the roof of a building across an alley from the address on the map. I couldn't see directly into the window, but there was a light on. After a few minutes I got bored and was about to move when two bodies come crashing out of the window.

I stood there, frozen, as I watched Angel and Faith fight. There was something weird about it, but that high, it took me a moment to work it out. For some reason, neither of them was really trying to win.

It started to rain, but I ignored it. I needed to get closer. There were some fire stairs almost right in front of me, so I quickly climbed down until I was just high enough above the action to stay out of sight. I winced as Faith threw Angel against the wall.

I was about to drop down and break it up when Faith started screaming at Angel.

"You don't know what evil is!"

There was so much pain in her voice when she said that. Angel didn't reply, he just kept dodging her punches. I could see this angered Faith, although I couldn't have said why. She started yelling again, and the words floated up to me. 

"I'm evil, I'm evil, I'm evil!"

She just kept repeating it, all the while throwing wild punches at Angel that even from up here I could tell had no power behind them. He grabbed her wrists, and she made a pathetic attempt to struggle. The next words I heard almost made me fall off the wall.

"Please… just kill me. Kill me."

That's what this was all about? She wants to die? While a small part of me agreed with her, I couldn't help but want to go down there and comfort her like Angel was doing. I know she hurt me, but it looked like everything she'd avoided dealing with had finally hit her. Through the rain I could see that she was crying. It was like a stake through my heart to see that.

I wanted to believe she was a monster. It would have made things easier, but now I don't know what to do. I prayed Angel could help her, because at that moment, all I could feel was compassion.

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I followed Angel and Faith back to his office, where he took her downstairs. I wasn't sure exactly why I was hiding from them like this, but I didn't think my presence would be a help to either of them. I guess I just wanted to make sure everything was okay, that this wasn't all just some kind of act.

Plus, I get this weird sort of gratification from stalking Angel. Turnabout's fair play, after all.

On the way to the office, I had some time to think about things. While I wanted to cry for the pain Faith was feeling, there was still that cynical part of me that rejected the idea that she could ever change. And the longer I waited before I made my way down to Angel's apartment, the stronger it got.

By the time I'd gotten down there, I'd almost convinced myself that it was all an act. That this was all some kind of trick to get to Angel and hurt me again. So I hid, and waited for proof.

Angel had gone upstairs for food or something, and he'd left Faith alone, curled up and shivering on his bed. I fought with myself not to move, because if I did, I would either end up comforting her or killing her, and I didn't like either of those choices at that moment. So I stayed where I was.

Not moving got harder when Faith got up from the bed. I watched her as she walked into the kitchen, but I couldn't see what she was doing in there. She reappeared when she heard Angel's footsteps on the stairs, and she leant against the doorframe, something hanging loosely from her hand.

Angel made it to the bottom of the stairs, and looked around for Faith when he saw she wasn't in the bed any more. He was holding a pink box, and when he finally saw Faith he held it up to her.

"I've got donuts," he said, but then he put the box down on a chair next to him. He walked slowly towards her, saying something about how he wanted to help her, but there were certain things she had to do.

"First, give me that knife."

Knife? That was a knife in her hand? I knew she couldn't change. I was about to go out there and beat the crap out of her when she handed him the knife. Suddenly, I could see how scared she was.

She really did want to change.

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Faith just tried to leave. Something happened outside, but all I could hear was the sound of a punch connecting, then Faith asking for help in a small voice. Angel obviously agreed to help, since they both came back in after a moment.

Angel took Faith into the kitchen to get her some food, and I moved a little so I could see what was going on. Faith was standing in front of the microwave when Angel re-entered the kitchen from the other side.

"So, how does this work?" asked Faith.

Angel thought for a moment before replying, then he gave her this big speech about how difficult redemption was. When he'd finished Faith just nodded, and turned back to the microwave.

"No, I meant, how does this work?"

She was talking about the microwave. Angel was so taken aback as he explained it to her it was almost funny, but I still wasn't in the mood for laughing. I turned my attention back to what they were saying.

"Tell Cordelia I'll pay her back."

"Actually, I think it's Wesley's."

Faith suddenly looked uncomfortable. "Uh, maybe we just don't mention it then."

"Maybe we do."

"What? You mean I've got to apologise?"

"Do you think you can?"

I could see Faith tense up as she shifted. "I don't know. How do you say 'gee, sorry I tortured you almost to death'?"

She tortured him? How did I miss that?

Okay, that didn't come out like I meant it to.

Angel was still talking. "Well, first of all, I'd leave off the 'gee'. And second, I think you have to ask yourself, are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Sorry?"

Faith opened her mouth to reply, but nothing came out. It took her a moment, but she finally found her voice. "What if I can't say it? There are just some things you can't take back no matter how sorry you are, right?"

"There are," replied Angel softly. "I have some experience in that area."

Faith looked up at him. "And you've been doing this for a hundred years. I'm not going to make it through the next ten minutes."

"Then make it through the next five, the next minute."

"I don't think I can. God. It hurts. I hate that it hurts like this." She walked away from him a little, heading out of the kitchen.

Angel wouldn't let her go. "Oh well. It's supposed to hurt. All that pain and suffering you've caused is coming back on you. Feel it, deal with it. And maybe you have a shot at being free."

Faith laughed a little. "God. I've got to be the first Slayer in history to be sponsored by a vampire."

I could see Angel try not to wince. "Well, I got some experience in that area too."

Faith froze, and for an instant I thought that maybe I'd been discovered. There was a look of such horror on her face, and I couldn't understand it until she spoke again. "Oh god," she muttered. "B. How am I ever going to make this right with her?"

I don't know Faith. But I was beginning to think I was willing to let her try.

"This isn't about Buffy," said Angel, but Faith didn't seem to be listening.

"All my life there was only one person who tried to be my friend. She reached out to me when I had no right or reason to expect her to, and I screwed her. Not to mention her boyfriend, only him literally."

Damn. Why'd she have to say that? I can see Angel's confused, and I could have kicked Faith for bringing this up.

"Faith," he began, "You and I never…"

Faith turned back to face him, and I could tell she spoke without thinking. "No, not you, the new one."

Well, that was blunt.

Faith must have seen the hurt look on Angel's face. "Oh. God. Angel I'm so sorry…"

"There. See, you can say it. That's good."

Okay, he wasn't dealing too well. Ignoring his issues. So it wasn't the best way for him to find out, but didn't he leave so I could have a normal life, a normal boyfriend? Wasn't that the whole point of why he broke my heart? Shattered it, really.

Damn. This just wasn't fair.

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Angel left Faith alone so he could go and have a shower. I thought that maybe it was time I revealed myself, but decided to wait a little longer. I was almost convinced that Faith was being genuine, but I wanted to see what she did when she was left alone.

Apparently nothing.

She'd been sitting in front of the television eating popcorn ever since Angel left the room. She hadn't tried to leave, but she also didn't look like she was all guilt ridden either. Maybe it really was an act.

Angel stuck his head out of the bathroom after about five minutes. He obviously hadn't taken the time to dry off, or dress. As much as I appreciated the sight, it kind of irritated me that he hadn't given me enough time to come to any conclusions.

"Everything okay out here?" asked Angel.

Faith didn't even look at him, her eyes remaining glued to the TV. "Yeah, it was touch and go for those four minutes that you left me alone."

I almost laughed before I caught myself. Angel disappeared back into the bathroom for a minute, coming out again drier but still only wrapped in a towel. He'd gone into his room to dress when something on the news freaked Faith out and caused her to knock a glass off the table. Angel came rushing out, his shirt still unbuttoned.

"Faith, what's wrong?"

She didn't respond, and Angel finally looked at the television.

"Faith, this doesn't change anything."

I could tell from the voice-over that the report was about Faith, and how dangerous she was. No wonder she was a little freaked.

Angel knelt down beside Faith's chair. "Faith, you knew this. But it doesn't change anything. You're safe here, okay?"

Before Faith got a chance to respond, a demon suddenly fell from the roof. Angel leapt at it immediately, and so did Faith. It tossed them both off, and Faith ended up in the kitchen while Angel had another go at it. Faith reappeared a moment later, knife in her hand, and she attacked the demon after it knocked Angel away for the second time.

The knife had apparently done the trick, and the demon collapsed on the floor. I was going to help them fight, I was. But by the time I got over my shock at not having noticed it's presence in the first place, it was already dead. Some Slayer I am.

Okay, okay. So that's not really true. I couldn't help it, I had to see Faith fight. Don't ask why, it was just something in me telling me not to move. I'm thinking I don't much like that voice. It could have gotten two people I care about killed.

Hang on. There's a trippy thought. Since when did I start caring about Faith?

When did I stop?

Angel got up and approached Faith, who was staring at the knife in her hands. It was covered in blood, red blood, which was also all over her hands. I could only image what she was thinking, but my mind flashed back to the night I held a blood covered knife in my hands.

Faith dropped the knife, and Angel enveloped her in a hug. She didn't respond, she just tried to keep her hands from touching him. I think the blood thing really affected her. I couldn't see why, though. I mean, I know the whole red blood thing would have reminded her of things she'd done, but it was still demon blood.

Maybe the guilt she carried was heavier than I had thought. If so, she really needed help. I wanted her to be sorry for the things she'd done, but I didn't want it to destroy her.

It was time to step in.

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I manage to get around to the stairs leading down to Angel's apartment without being noticed. I stand on the steps for a moment, watching Angel hug Faith, and briefly wonder what I would have thought if I had walked in and seen that without knowing what had been happening.

Knowing me, I probably would have tried to kill her. Well, not seriously, but close enough.

Angel looks up and sees me, and from the expression on his face, he doesn't welcome the intrusion. Probably because he knows me as well as I know myself. He probably thinks I'm going to go straight for Faith's throat.

Ordinarily, he would have been right.

But not now. No, by this stage, I fully believe that she needs help. She needs _me._ I was the person she hurt the most, and without my support she's never going to stop drowning in guilt.

I hear Angel say my name, and I force my mind concentrate. I can see Faith tense up and withdraw in on herself when Angel speaks, getting up and leaving her by herself on the couch. He walks over to me, and I can understand the pleading in his eyes.

"Buffy. It's not what you think."

I could have laughed. It was exactly what I thought, but I'm not going to let him know that. When I don't say anything, Angel takes another stab at it.

"We were attacked."

Yeah, I know. Still, I'm not going to let him off that easily. He had been going to take care of Faith himself, without even telling me. Now, I know I'm not really being fair, since Faith and I didn't exactly part on good terms, but I'm sure I still would have wanted to help eventually.

"We?" I asked. "You and…"

"Faith."

"You and Faith."

There was the crux of the matter. Faith being anywhere near Angel should have got me royally ticked off, since she always seemed to have a thing for my guys, but I have no real claim to Angel any more. I still love him, and I always will, but he left me.

It had taken a while, but I'd moved on with my life. I'd got myself a new boyfriend, a nice, normal guy. Of course, then Faith had slept with him.

Do I sound bitter? It hurt, yes, but he did think it was me. I've kind of let him off the hook. I guess it helps that I don't really see the relationship lasting. He's a real nice guy, it's just… something's missing. There's no spark, no excitement.

Okay, so my standards are probably pretty high after Angel. He might not have been the perfect boyfriend, but at least the relationship was exciting.

And equal.

I guess that's something that's hard to come by for me. That might make me sound a bit conceited, but I don't mean it that way. I'm a Slayer. Angel's a vampire, so he's pretty much the only person who's ever really been on par with me.

Except Faith.

Faith is who I am in LA for. Not Angel. There's something deeper underlying that concept, but I decide that I'll think about it later. Right now, there's more immediate things to take care of.

"Buffy?"

Faith's small voice brings me out of my thoughts. I ignore Angel for the time being and turn my attention to her. She looks horrible, and I think she fully expects me to beat her to death. I walk over to stand in front of her.

"Buffy, I'm…"

I cut her off. I know she was being serious, since she only rarely used my full name, but I'm not ready for an apology just yet. "Don't say it Faith. You have no right to apologise to me. That's something you have to earn."

So maybe I'm not so good at this. I'm willing to help her, but she's still done some pretty horribly stuff to me. She's going to have to work for my forgiveness.

I can see hope flare in her eyes. "Then let me earn it."

I give her a supportive smile. "I'm willing to do that."

Faith wipes her hands on her pants, trying to get the blood off them. When she'd done the best she could, she reaches out and gives me a quick hug, pulling away again before I can respond.

"Thankyou," she says, and her voice is choked with more emotion than I've ever seen in her.

I smile at her again. "We'll work on it together."

"You mean that, B?"

I nod, and this time it was me that hugged her. I hold on for longer than she had, and whisper something in her ear. "I'm not letting you leave me this time."

Why did I say that? I don't even know what I meant.

I release my hold on Faith and turn back to Angel. He's standing there with a bemused look on his face, and I can almost see the wheels turning in his mind as he tries to work me out.

Good luck.

At that moment that Wesley comes rushing down the stairs. He looks _awful_. I know Faith had tortured him, but I hadn't known she'd really gone to town with it. I risk a quick glance at her, and she has guilt and remorse written all over her face. She was also doing her best to look anywhere but at Wesley. Or at me, for that matter.

Wes doesn't give me time to dwell on it. He speaks immediately to Angel. "We have to get out of here," he states. "The Council's on its way. They'll expect to find you gone, and her drugged," he indicates to Faith as he holds up a syringe. "I expect they have the building surrounded."

"Why'd you bring them here?" asks Angel.

"Couldn't shake them. I had to pretend I was helping them." He finally notices I'm in the room. "Hello Buffy. I suspect you've come at a bad time."

"I could have," I mutter. I turned to Faith, and notice that she's only in a sleeveless top. "Grab a jacket. We're getting out of here." She nods, and races into Angel's bedroom to get her stuff.

"Our best bet's the sewers," Angel was saying. "I'll check if they're clear."

He moved over to a small grate in the floor near his couch, and he was just lifting it up when gunfire erupts into the room. I react immediately, grabbing Faith and heading for the roof. Hopefully Angel and Wesley can keep them occupied down there while I get Faith away. After what happened to me when I was in Faith's body, I wasn't going to let the same thing happen to her.

We make it up to the roof without incident, but there really isn't anywhere else to go. If they get up here, we're pretty much trapped.

Faith tuggs on my sleeve to get my attention. "B? We can probably make it to the next building." She points over to our right.

I nod. "Right. Go."

We start running just as the stairwell door opens behind us and bullets start tearing up the pavement only inches from our heels. We're almost to the ledge when a god-damn helicopter appears right in front of us, directly blocking our path to the next building.

We skid to a halt, but have to dive out of the way as the gunner behind us starts firing again. In short dashes we run from cover to cover, trying to avoid fire from the chopper as well. We're hiding behind a skylight when I realise we can't keep doing this. One or both of us is going to end up dead if we keep trying to dodge bullets.

I turn to Faith. "I have to take out the gunner. Just stay here. The guy in the chopper will go for me." I can see she's going to object. "Faith, please. Just stay here." She finally nods, and I run out from behind the skylight. I quickly manage to disarm the guy on the roof with me, but I can tell the guy in the helicopter is trying to get a bead on me. All I can do is keep fighting, and moving.

But all too quickly the guy's unconscious. He may have been the best the Watcher's Council had, but he was no match for a Slayer. Unfortunately for me, I'm now standing in the helicopter's spotlight, with nothing to stop the gunner shooting at me.

This is it.

I try to move, but I'm frozen. Deer in the headlights kind of thing. All I can think is that I'm going to die. And at the hands of humans that were supposed to support me, no less. But I'm wrong.

Everything happens at once. I hear a crashing noise behind me, gunshots, and someone tackles me to the ground. It takes me a moment to gather my senses, but I eventually register the fact that Faith is lying on top of me, and the gunfire's stopped. I turn my head and see the helicopter drop down the side of the building, with Angel standing on the rails.

I turn my attention back to Faith when I notice she hasn't moved. "Faith?"

She doesn't respond, and I'm starting to get worried. As carefully as I can I roll her off me and sit up to look at her. Her eyes are closed and her breathing is a little shallow. I finally notice blood seeping from a wound at the top of her chest, near her shoulder.

"Faith? Faith, can you hear me?"

I don't have much hope for it, but I have to move her. I can hear police sirens from down on the ground, and I'm not going to let them take her. I gather her into my arms and stand up. The only thing I can do for now is get her back downstairs and hope Wesley and Angel know somewhere we can go.

If they haven't been arrested already.

Faith needs medical attention. She needs a hospital, but if I take her to one, she'll be turned over to the authorities. Still, if I have no other choice, I'll take her there. It's better she be alive and in prison than dead and, well… dead.

As quickly as I can I ge her downstairs. I lay her down on Angel's bed, and shout for Wesley. He appears at the top of the stairs after a few seconds, making his way down as quickly as he can.

"What happened, Buffy?"

I don't know how I manage to get the words out. "Faith got shot. I think it's pretty bad."

I can see him trying to decide whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. I can understand that he doesn't like Faith an awful lot at the moment, but she needs help. I think he comes to that conclusion himself.

"We should get her to a hospital."

"But the police…" I object, albeit not very strongly.

"Do you want her to live?" he asks harshly.

I nod. "Call an ambulance."

He moves off to do that just as policemen come rushing down the stairs. A blond woman is the first to reach the bottom, and she grabs Wesley before he can get to the phone.

"Kate," he says, "I have to call an ambulance."

Kate, I guess the woman is, doesn't seem to care. "Where is she?"

I decide to step in. Faith needs medical attention, and there's no way she was avoiding the cops now. "She's in the bedroom," I say, stepping forward to make myself noticed. I put my hand out as Kate tries to get past me. "She's been shot. Don't you dare try and arrest her right now."

Wesley has taken advantage of my distraction to call the hospital. "The ambulance is on its way," he informs me. I just nod, and turn my attention back to Kate.

"What are you going to charge her with?" I ask.

Kate ignores the question. "Who are you?"

I lose my patience. "Someone who's going to kick your ass if you don't tell me what I want to know."

She isn't daunted, and I immediately regret my outburst. "Threaten me again and I'll arrest you as well," she says, and I can tell she'd do just that.

"I'd like you see you try," I mutter. I think she heard me, but she doesn't say anything. "Where's Angel?" I ask.

"He's being taken down to the station and charged with aiding and abetting a criminal."

"What?" I exclaim. "You've got to be kidding. He was trying to help her."

"Do you know what aiding and abetting means?"

Smartass.

"Yes I know," I say coldly. "And that's not what I meant. He was trying to save her. She was in a lot of pain, psychologically. He was trying to get her to face up to the things she'd done." Kate doesn't seem to care. I see something flicker in her expression, but she's a cold-hearted bitch to the core.

"If you don't get out of my way I'll charge you as well."

I _really_ want to hit this woman.

I try to calm myself down. "Look, you can't lock Angel up. If you put him in a prison cell he'll die."

"Not for another four hours."

I'm shocked. She knows what he was and she's still doing this? "That's murder. Look, you have Faith, just let Angel out."

Kate sighs. She seems to debate with herself for a moment. "I shouldn't do this, but he's helped me out often enough." She turns away from me and calls an officer over to her. After saying something I can't hear which sends the cop back up the stairs, she turns back to me. "Angel's off the hook. Now let me see Faith."

There isn't much else I can do. I move aside and lead the way into the bedroom, where Faith is still unconscious on the bed. She looks worse than before, and I wonder at the stab of fear inside me that I might lose her.

Wesley's voice suddenly calls out from upstairs, announcing the arrival of the ambulance. The paramedics come down and lift Faith onto a stretcher, and have her back upstairs and in the ambulance in a matter or minutes. I want to ride with her, but Kate won't let me.

Angel appears next to me as I watch them drive off. He says nothing, but his hand reaches for mine and I clasp it tightly. When the van's out of sight I turn to him and he answers my unspoken question.

"I'll drive you to the hospital."

--------------

I'm sitting in the waiting room, my head in my hands, with Angel doing his best to comfort me. I feel like I'm dying inside. Once again, it's my fault that Faith's in the hospital. God, is it simply our purpose in life to hurt each other?

I don't know how long I sit there, but eventually a doctor comes out and informs us that Faith is going to live. It turns out that the wound wasn't that bad, only painful, and she had lost quite a lot of blood. He says she should wake up by morning, and I ask if I can see her.

As far as the doctor's concerned it's fine, but then Kate appears, and refuses to let us in. I don't know why. It's not as if we're going to take her and run off. I think the woman has serious trust issues. I also think it might have something to do with Angel.

Why does that not surprise me?

Kate tells us we should go home, but I refuse, saying I'm not leaving until I get to see her. For a moment Kate gets this look in her eyes that seems to say 'then you'll never leave', but she eventually relents. She says we can stay with her until she wakes up, but then she has to be taken into custody. She wastes no time in informing us that there'll be cops outside the door, as well.

Real nice lady.

I suppose I can't really blame her. It was only a few hours ago that I was convinced Faith was too dangerous to be allowed to live. It was only hours ago that I hated her more than anyone in the world. Sometime since then, I've forgiven her. Sometime since then, I've decided I want her for a friend again.

Sometime since then, I think I've fallen in love.

Or realised it, at least. I think I fell for her a long time ago, which is why it hurt so much when she left me. I think I pushed it back, couldn't deal, and it pains me to realise that maybe that was part of the reason she ran from me. I pushed her away, because I was afraid.

This time, I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to let her down again. She's coming back to Sunnydale with me, and we're going to get back to what we should have been before.

Well, if we can keep her out of prison, anyway.

--------------

There are occasions when my life happens to royally suck. Fortunately, this isn't one of them.

Faith's being released.

The police only had evidence for the fights she was involved in when she arrived in LA. Whatever she did back in Sunnydale, the Mayor had obviously arranged some sort of cover-up for her. To the police, there was nothing connecting Faith to murder. Angel wasn't saying anything about the attempt on his life, and Wes was keeping quiet about the torture thing, so somehow Faith managed to get away with a heavy fine and a couple of hours community service. Which she can do back in Sunnydale.

Now, I don't know exactly what it is that Faith feels toward me, but I know she wants to make things right. I'm not going to say anything about being in love with her, but I'm still going to be there for her. The guys aren't going to like this, so I can pretty much assume that I'm going to be all she has.

Angel offered to put her up, but I want her with me. We're Slayers, we're meant to be together. When we fight, we're unstoppable. We _connect_. We're a force, and one that the big nasties back in Sunnydale had better watch out for.

Okay, now I'm getting weird. But I know what I mean.

Angel and I are waiting as the cops give Faith one final dressing down. We haven't told her what we've decided yet, but we're going to ask, not force it on her. Forcing things with Faith usually doesn't go down well. But I think she'll come with me. She wants to make it right, and this is the only way.

Faith walks over to us, and she suddenly looks scared. All the attitude's gone, and I think she's actually worried about what we intend to do with her. It makes me sad that so much has happened to her that she can't trust people or believe that anything good should happen to her.

She gives us a weak smile. "So what now?" she asks.

I give her my best comforting smile. "You come back with me," I say, and I can tell by the way her face drains of colour that she's not keen on the idea.

"No, B. Please… I can't go back there," she pleads. She's so afraid, and I can't blame her. If I'd done the things she's done to my friends, I wouldn't want to go back there either.

"Faith, you have to," I say. "You said you want to make things right. You said you want forgiveness. Well, the people in Sunnydale are the people you hurt the most. They're who you need to make it up to." She's wavering, I can see what I'm saying is sinking in. "Besides, that's where I'm going to be, and you've said you wanted to earn my forgiveness as well. That's the only place you can do it."

That's it, I've cracked her. Still, she takes one last ditch effort. "Why do you even want me around, B? After everything I've done, why aren't you trying to beat me to death?" She pauses for a moment, then adds quietly, "I'd deserve it."

I make sure she's looking me in the eyes before I say anything else. "Maybe you do," I reply. "But I wouldn't do that. You're a Slayer. The world needs you. It needs us, together. Don't you remember how good we were? We could be unstoppable now. All you need to do is trust me. I'm on your side. I told you that once before, but you didn't believe it. Believe it now."

She thinks for a minute, then nods. I let out a breath I didn't even realise I was holding, and smile at her. Angel hasn't said anything, but as I take a quick glance up at him, I can tell he's pleased. I decide against reaching out a pulling Faith into a hug, and instead suggest we get going. Police stations really aren't among my favourite places in the world.

-----------------

We're on the road back to Sunnydale, and neither of us has said a word since we left LA. The silence isn't uncomfortable, not really, it's just… expectant, I guess. I don't think either of us really know what to say. Not that that's really a surprise. I mean, we tried to kill each other, she tried to kill the man I love, and now I'm inviting her to come home with me. 

What's wrong with this picture?

Wait. I forgot something. I'm also in love with her.

Oh, this is _so_ wrong.

I mean, she tried to kill me, and the people I love, and she was helping a guy who wanted to be a giant demon snake and destroy the world. If she's going to be in my car, she should probably be tied up in the trunk, unconscious and preferably drugged. Does anybody else think my sense of reason has suddenly gone out the window?

Do you think they have groups for this?

Lost? Okay, take a good look at my life. I seem to have developed somewhat of a habit of harbouring killers. First, there's Angel. Ignore his past for a while, then I make one mistake and it suddenly jumps out and tries to kill me. Ends up killing Ms Callendar instead, so I send him to Hell. He comes back, and I'm on his side again. He kills my Watcher's girlfriend, and I protect him.

Then there was Spike. He tried to kill me and my friends on numerous occasions, and I always let him go. Then he goes and gets all friendly with the government, and suddenly he's living with Giles.

Now, we get to Faith. She was a friend, and then she turned against us. Tried to make Angel evil again, was going to torture me, held a knife to Willow's throat, tried to strangle Xander. Oh, and she poisoned my boyfriend. So I stabbed her, put her in a coma. I thought we were okay when she told me how to defeat the mayor. I thought that when she woke up we'd be able to work things out. But she wasn't ready for that. She woke up angry and confused, and came after me. Held my mother hostage, stole my body, slept with my boyfriend. Then she ran away and tried to kill Angel again, all in an attempt to get him to kill her. Oh, and she tortured Wesley.

Is that everything?

Doesn't matter. It's enough. It's all the reason I should need to put her down for good. But I can't, and I don't think it's just because of what I feel for her. I've killed someone I love before. I could do it again. But there's something about her…

I think it's just because I know she could have been me. Or I could have been her. Something like that. If she'd had the support I'd had, the friends and family that cared, she could have been happy. If I'd had the life she did, I probably would have turned out just like her. I know there's a good person inside her, I've seen it before.

I take a quick look at her, and I realise I never even thought about the fact that she's killed people. Normal, human people, I mean. I wonder if that makes me a bad person, but it's the personal things that hurt so much more. I know I normally ignore it, but the fact is, I've killed human people as well. Okay, so they've been bad people, but I've killed them all the same.

If I really think about it, there's actually been quite a few. I can't remember every one, since I tend to shove them into the dead demon category, but they were human. Gwendolyn Post, for one. Even with the creepy glove thing she was still human. Those German guys with guns from Trick's lame SlayerFest thing. Okay, so they were hunting me like an animal, but I made them shoot themselves. I even almost killed the girl sitting next to me.

Damn. I've probably killed more people than Faith has.

Of course, I could defend myself by saying that none of the people I killed were innocents, but they were still people. I just don't think I'd be able to handle it if I let myself recognise that I actually killed people. Because then that's all I am. A killer. I can justify it by saying that they brought it on themselves, they played with fire they should have expected to get burnt.

Still, justifying does nothing for my conscience. I'm living happily in the land of denial.

Faith was for a while too, but she's moved out. She's trying to deal, and I'm going to help her. Because I _do_ know what it's like, and I _can_ understand. We're the same, and it's only our circumstances that made us different people. Now, I know you can say that's probably true for everyone, but Faith and I are connected.

I'm driving past the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign now, and I notice Faith suddenly become fidgety. I guess she's getting nervous again. So am I, come to that. I know the guys aren't going to like this, but they're going to have to deal. Faith's staying, and there's nothing they can do to change my mind.

---------------

I should have changed my mind.

I got Faith settled in at my place. Mom freaked a little at first, but I eventually got her calmed down and explained things. Faith really had nowhere else to go, and I didn't want her to be alone. Once I convinced her that Faith really wanted to change, Mom agreed with me that she should stay at the house.

Occasionally I'm just amazed at how forgiving she can be. I really didn't feel that convincing.

Anyway, once we dumped Faith's stuff, I took her over to Giles' apartment. I had to tell him she was here, and I though it would go better if he was able to see exactly how much she wanted to be good again.

Unfortunately, I have the _worst_ timing.

The entire gang was there for some reason. Riley too. I felt so guilty. I mean, I'd completely forgotten about the guy over the last few days. All I'd been thinking about was Faith. Apparently, she was all the guys had thought about as well, except in a more 'how much can we hate you and what horrible things can we do to you' way.

They almost pounced on her the moment we walked in the door. After the few seconds of shocked silence, of course. Actually, that wasn't quite right. They pounced on _me_ when I came through the door. Apart from the death-glares, they completely ignored Faith. Giles was the only one who kept a level head throughout the whole thing, which is why I wanted to see him first. I knew the gang would react like that.

After a few minutes, I'd had more than I could stand. I think Faith had too. She looked worse than ever, and she was all closed in on herself. I managed to get Giles to help me get them to leave, but their looks told me that it wasn't over.

Faith didn't say anything after they left. I had a quick talk with Giles, and I think I got him on my side. After that, I took Faith straight home, hoping maybe I could get her to open up again.

She's curled up on my bed now, and I think she's regretting not trying harder to get someone to kill her. I don't think she had realised just how much they hated her. And it was mostly for things she'd done to me, which I know she hates herself for.

I don't know what to do. I want to comfort her, but I'm not sure how she'll take it. Apart from Angel, I don't think anyone's ever really tried to get close to her. I'm a little shocked as I hear a muffled sob coming from the direction of the bed.

Screw this. I'm helping her.

I move over to the bed, and settle myself down beside her. I'm still a little hesitant, but I reach out with my arms and hug her to me. She stiffens a little at first, but then forces herself to relax. She starts crying softly into my shoulder, and I just hold her, stroking her hair occasionally.

I'm not sure how long it takes for her to calm down, but eventually she falls silent. I hold her to me a bit tighter, and place a light kiss on her hair. I'm not really sure why, but it just feels like the right thing to do.

Faith turns her head to look me in the eyes. Her face is all blotchy from crying, but I don't care. She's still beautiful. I gently push some of her hair back from her face, trying to comfort her. I think it works, because she settles back down against me. I listen as her breathing slows, becoming more regular, and I realise she's fallen asleep.

In my bed.

Not that I mind, but for some reason I'm suddenly ultra paranoid that Riley or one of my friends is going to show up, and find us together like this.

Ah, screw them.

I settle myself down into a more comfortable position, my arms still wrapped around Faith. I love the feeling of her next to me, but as much as I'd like to stay awake and enjoy it, I'm exhausted from the emotional joyride I've been on the last couple of days. It only takes me a minute or so to join Faith in dreamland.

---------------

I meant that literally, by the way.

I'm sharing a dream with her. Slayer dreams, gotta love 'em.

Wait. No I don't. They usually lead to badness. Well, except for that other one I shared with Faith, that one kinda helped. Maybe Faith and Slayer dreams in some weird way equal good.

We're back in her old apartment, and everything's exactly as we left it. I notice something out of the corner of my eye. Something's changed. That window we broke - half of it has been replaced. The other half still had jagged edges of broken glass sticking out everywhere, and I briefly wonder when it was that Slayer dreams became so obvious with their symbolism.

I must have wondered it out loud, since Faith walks up and stands close behind me. "I don't know, B," she whispers in my ear, "But it's better than the riddles, right?"

I nod, and try to ignore the fact that she's still breathing on my neck. "I guess it helps that we're both… well, I'd say conscious, but that doesn't really work. You being in a coma and all probably didn't help matters."

I can almost see her flinch behind me. Why'd I have to go and bring that up? Not really a pleasant memory for either of us. After a moment silence, she places a hand on my shoulder. "It's okay," she says. "You had to do it. I kind of forced you to. But it's in the past. I thought we were trying to move on."

I can't help it. I lean back against her, and she wraps her arms around me. "We're getting better," I say, my eyes drifting closed. I was going to leave it at that, but words just keep rolling out of my mouth. "I don't ever want to be without you."

She holds me tighter, and I relax completely. I'm not entirely sure why we got a Slayer dream for this, but it's nice. Faith is so much more open here, and I like the way she's holding me. I feel so safe, I just wish I was able to feel that in the real world. Here, there's no distractions, nothing but us.

Maybe that's just what we needed. I wonder if Faith will even acknowledge it in the morning, but I guess I'm about to find out, since I can feel myself getting pulled out of the dream.

---------------

I wake up to find that my arms are still wrapped around Faith, and I'm holding her to me like I never plan to let go. If it was up to me, I wouldn't, but there are so many things that we have to sort out between us. Besides, I don't even know if she ever thinks of me like that. I mean, I know she teases, and throws out sexual innuendos like there're going out of style, but I don't know if they mean anything.

Faith turns in my arms to face me, and I suddenly find myself almost nose to nose with the girl. I don't pull back though, and I don't loosen my hold on her. She just smiles at me, and I find myself wondering what happened to put her in such a good mood.

And apparently she can now read my mind, too. "It's just waking up with you, B."

See. That's just freaky.

She continues. "But, nice as it is, I've got to go to the bathroom." I give her a slightly sheepish grin, and let her get up. I'm in no mood for it though, and I snuggle back down into the covers.

Faith comes back in a few minutes later. "B? Planning on getting up today?" she asks me.

I don't reply. There's no way I'm getting up. I like it just fine right here, although it would be even better if Faith was back in here with me. I just can't face another round of 'Buffy, Faith's a psyco, are you out of your mind' today. Don't get me wrong, I really love my friends, but they're way too over-protective. And they're scared of Faith. I get that, I do, but they have to realise that she's trying to change. And them being like that isn't helping.

I think Faith realises that I don't want to get up, but she's having none of it. Before I catch on to what she's doing, she grabs the covers and pulls them off the bed. And, since I have something reminiscent to a death-grip on them, I go flying off with them.

I land almost at Faith's feet, and after a moment she starts laughing her ass off. I don't think she knew how tightly I was holding on to the covers, and I can imagine how this looks from another angle. But from where I'm standing (or lying in a heap, really), it's not particularly amusing.

"Very funny," I mutter, which just sets her off laughing harder. That's it, she's going down. I forget to resolution not to move, and reach out and pull her legs out from under her. Somehow, she manages to fall square on top of me, and I find myself disadvantaged again.

Faith smirks. "Isn't it a bit too early in the morning, B? she asks me, trying to make me squirm.

I'll have none of it though. This time, I'm going to hold my own. "I don't know, Faith. We're usually otherwise occupied at night."

Her eyes widen in shock when I fight back. She wasn't expecting that, but she rallies brilliantly. "Not all night, unless there's something you're not telling me."

There are so many possible meanings behind that comment, and I'm not sure exactly which one she intended. "Oh, there's a lot of things I'm not telling you," I say, before I realise that that could be classified as a pretty harsh statement. I didn't mean it that way, really I didn't.

Faith doesn't seem to get that. Her face closes over and she pushes herself off me. I jump up and grab her hand, forcing her around to face me. "Faith, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."

"So what was it like, B?" God, there's so much hurt in her voice.

"We were playing," I say. "We used to do it all the time. Well, you did, anyway. I was just trying to hold my own."

She's not pacified. "But what did it mean?"

Damn. I don't know what to tell her. That I love her? Yeah, that'd go down real well. "It didn't mean anything," I say, wishing I could tell her the truth. "I didn't really have a whole lot to come back with, you know."

"You're hiding something," she says flatly.

No kidding.

"Fine," I admit. "Maybe I am. I just don't think it's something you want to know."

"You mean you don't want to tell me."

Oh, she's _so _wrong. "No, that's not it. I do want to tell you."

"Then why don't you?"

Why don't I? I have so many answers to that, and I can't think of a single one to say. How did we get to this, anyway? Last night she was crying in my arms, and then we shared a dream. And does that or does that not sound like we're trying to reform America?

The point is, I don't think we're ready for this. I don't know how she'll take it, and I don't want to lose her. If she freaks, she'll run, and she might slip again. I couldn't stand it if she did. I want to help her, and I don't think telling her I'm in love with her would help at this point.

She's getting impatient, but I can't come up with an answer that won't sound like I don't trust her or that I'm lying. I'm sick of this. It's only been a day since I realised what I felt for her, and I can't stand her not knowing any more. I have to tell her, even if it is one of the most selfish decisions I've ever made in my life.

I think we both notice at the same time that I'm still holding onto her hand, and I can tell she's surprised. I still don't know how to say what I want, so I'm just going to show her. "Faith," I say in a quiet voice, "If I do something you don't like, can you promise me you won't run away? I still want to help you, no matter what happens."

She thinks for a minute, biting her lip uncertainly. Finally she nods, and I let out the breath I didn't even realise I was holding. I move slowly to stand right in front of her, and tilt my head up a little and press my lips to hers. She tenses, and I'm about to pull back when her free arm snakes around my back and pulls me into her. I let go of her hand and her other arm slips around my waist, as my hands slide up her arms to nestle around the back of her neck, my hands tangled in her hair. I part my lips slightly, allowing her access to my mouth, and she takes full advantage of it.

I can feel my knees starting to go slightly weak when I mange to pull away from her. Not very far, of course, since her arms are still wrapped around me, holding me against her. Not that I mind. Definitely the opposite of minding.

Faith finds her voice first. "B?"

I give her a smile. "See what I'm not telling you?" I ask.

She nods. "Some of it. Can you tell me the rest?" her voice is uncertain, like she doesn't know for sure if there is anything more.

I think I was wrong. Maybe this is what she needs. I remember her saying to Angel that I was the only person who ever tried to be her friend. I remember feeling how lonely her life was. Maybe she just needs to know that somebody cares about her, loves her.

I give her the biggest smile I can, and kiss her again. I keep it short, reassuring, and I pull back to look her in the eyes. "I love you," I say, and her eyes literally light up.

She opens her mouth, and I know what she's about to ask. "Yes, really," I say. "I love you, I think I always have."

She smiles at me, and I just know everything's going to be okay. "Love you too, B. Always have, always will." 

I kiss her again, and this time I don't pull back. Her arms tighten around me, and I never want her to let go. I know there will be problems, there always are, but we're meant to be together. After everything we've been through, what we've done to each other, we're back where we should be, and we're going to stay there.


End file.
